Of Little Consequence
by Ryu Niiyama
Summary: Sometimes love isn't enough..


Of Little Consequence

By : Ryu Niiyama

AN: I'm in a particularly dark mood right now so I figured I'd write to battle my personal demons…or add fuel to the fire.

* * *

I blink and adjust my coat as a fresh layer of snow falls gently to the ground. It would seem that the heavens want to make up for there not being a White Christmas in the past four years. 

It's Christmas Eve, yet my heart can feel no joy, or even invest a marginal interest in the holiday. I've come to loathe Christmas, its cult-like commercialism, its saccharine messages of family, of peace…of love.

It's been four years now… its has taken me that long to find you, and even after all this time I can still feel the anger, the pain... the longing and the sense of failure churning close to the surface. I shuffle slightly, tightening the blue scarf around my neck.

It's an old scarf, a cherished companion… I still remember the day I received from my mother as a gift. I had been six years old, and we had gone Christmas shopping, my sisters had opted to stay at home with Father. It had just been Mother and I… back when I adored Christmas. We'd past the store front window and the color seemed to call out to me… I'd never seen a blue so vibrant so soulful…so melancholy. Yet it felt…right somehow. So beautiful and warm, the shade of azure flowing like living water.

I almost smile wistfully at the memory…almost. Mother nudged me along and I was heartbroken, believing that I'd never have that scarf, that precious scarf that seemed to have been made for me…that seemed to tether me to something. It would be years before I found out just what it tied me to. I still remember the joy I felt when I opened the first of my gifts, a present from Mother. Inside the box laid the scarf, the blue scarf that had so captivated me. I was so overcome that I was reduced instantly to tears, the sort of soul racking tears that had my parents and my sisters at my side in a matter of seconds…though they could not comfort me.

As I grew older, I became more and more withdrawn; burying myself in the wonders of Science and Literature, and yet my scarf never left my side. Science and Literature hold no wonder for me now… they could not help me, could not show me how to change…how to stop this terrible thing from happening.

Not long into my teenage years the dreams came... and I finally understood. The scarf was the color of your eyes, such beautiful, glorious eyes. They're shade of blue so vibrant, so _real _that their hue has no equal in Heaven or Earth.

Stars above… how I loved those eyes…

And how I hate you for denying me the chance to lose myself in them…

Even after all this time you still refuse me…any attempt I've made to be with you has been circumvented. And I still feel the helpless rage as I wonder why. I'd been by your side for longer than I can remember… you had been my comfort and my refuge. You have always been my sanctuary…

Why didn't you let me be the same? Why did you feel you had to shoulder this alone?

I'd visited you every night, sitting quietly by your side, watching as you grew from an inquisitive and pretty child to a brilliant and alluring young woman. Oh, how I passed my adolescence in anguish and frustration, my longing burned me to my very soul, though I was careful to hide my feelings. Instead I poured out the secret desires, hopes and fears of my heart in prose, knowing that if I showed them to you you'd understand; you wouldn't judge me. I knew that one day I'd be able to take your delicate hand into mine, to enfold you in my embrace, to give you all that I was.

I'd be your protector, your confidant, your friend…your lover.

Why wouldn't you let me protect you?... Why couldn't I protect you? Why didn't you confide in me? Why didn't my friendship fortify you? Why didn't my love comfort you?

These are questions I've asked myself for four years… And today brings back the memory with agonizing clarity…. I couldn't find you… only sorrow, such oppressive, hateful, sorrow made itself known to me. I searched and searched for you until the light of day pulled me away. When I awoke, my beloved scarf had been around my neck, choking me, smothering me. And then I felt it…the moment you decided to abandon the fight. Tired of living on the outside looking in, tired of being defined by your intellect and never seen for the woman within. Did you think that I wouldn't know? That I wouldn't feel it… feel you?

It was the most awful pain I'd ever experienced…that I'm still experiencing. The kind of pain that make your heart thunder through your chest and then suddenly go quiet… and in those brief seconds you wonder if you'd died. I still remember the concerned faces of my siblings and my parents as I came to. But it was too late, far too late to save…anything. I prayed that I had been wrong…that we had not been brought together only for you to walk away…for you to leave me alone, so very alone.

Christmas Eve…the day you denied me the chance to challenge you, to encourage you, to love you… to…to meet you. I sigh softly and watch my breath condense quietly in the cold before pulling a single white rose from inside of my coat. I reach up and pull my hair free of the tie at my neck feeling my long, russet tresses flutter about my face, partially obscuring my forehead. Bending down, I place the rose on the ground in front of me and reach out my hand to brush the cool marble.

_Mizuno Ami_

_September 10, 1979 – December 24, 2001_

_Brilliant, beautiful, gentle, and caring_

_May you find the happiness in the next life that you could not find in this one._

My eyes flutter close as the constant pain that has anchored itself to my soul rises to a crescendo immobilizing me for a moment. I swallow heavily and with trembling hands I remove my scarf, my beloved scarf that has been a reminder of my failure for the past four years. I linger for a moment before placing the scarf next to the rose. I pray that this scarf that once tethered my soul to yours will help you find me again. I rise and with newfound resolve I walk away.

My love, my Beloved Angel, wait for me…

* * *

"…No…"

Green eyes blur with tears as they watch the forlorn figure walk into the settling fog, vanishing from sight. Distraught the silver haired woman rushes forward only to be stopped by a hand firmly grasping her wrist. Confused, hurt, and angry, accusing emerald turn to glare at the other woman.

"…Yaten…no…"

For a second Yaten's mouth opens as she prepares to vehemently respond to the soft-spoken command. One look into blue eyes as red rimmed with tears as her own steals away the scathing words. Yaten sighs and looks away, quiet sobs racking her body as her sister puts her hands into her pockets, tilting her face upward to the cold and unforgiving heavens above.

They'd known this day would come in time, they could only put it off for so long and as they watched their sister, as they bared silent witness to a power greater than themselves, they knew it would be denied no longer. They'd both believed in soul mates; believed in the power of a bond of love so strong, so undeniable, that not even death could rend it asunder or lessen its pull. Taiki would go…would depart from their lives forever, following the woman she had loved all her life… and had never met face to face.

And they would go on…hoping that Christmas and time would soothe these painful wounds and perhaps tell them why…tell them why love wasn't enough…

Why it wasn't enough for any of them…

* * *

R. Niiyama 

12/18/2005


End file.
